THE UnderPerformer RANT

Ever since I was born,I knew I am an underperformer. In fact the only time I felt I was better than anybody else was before I was born .I was 'The Chosen One' to be brought into this world. I desperately wanted to show the middle finger to those other sperms racing with me . Then I didn't have the finger, now I dont have the opportunity(Coz those losers were never born).
When I was born, I was really eager to gain some attention. I feigned a 'cardiac arrest'. But since I wasn't such a good actor then ,half the people thought I was sleeping. The other half didn't even bother, they'd already given up on me being of any use.And when I got a KT in pre-school ,my parents were elated. They said they were expecting a year 'drop'. It was not as if I was bad at everything. I once survived a swimming class for 2 straight days.But I hated swimming. On the third day,I feigned 'cardiac arrest'. Only this time I forgot I was in the water and nobody noticed me. But it worked. Dad came to the hospital and yelled at me, said something really gibberish but I made out it had the words 'no', 'more' , '$#%#' and 'swimming'.
High school was worse. Although my first crush brought in some really happy memories, that didn't last long. She didnt think a new pair of 'waterproof' kolhapuri chappals were cool. I wonder why. They looked really great on her right leg. I couldn't find out about how it would look on the other leg though. Because she never brought it to school. Came with crutches instead. I always wondered why until she used them to whack my butt.
When I went to college, I knew things would improve. The Law of Averages said so. However I had forgotten the YeschRaij law of UnderPerformer that contradicted the Law of Averages
Popularity is:
1)directly propotional to how many affairs you have at the present moment
(affairs with members of opposite sex fetch more points)
2) directly proportional to how dumb you are
(measured in terms of SRK)
3) directly propotional to close you are to your 'mitti'
(whatever that means)

Since I didn't score in any of the above criteria I knew life would be mediocre.
I tried to setup a company . But nobody thought much of using airplanes as explosives on Diwali then. Until a chap name Osama stole my idea . Smart guy, I say.
My luck with girls did change though. A good looking girl asked me out once. And then we dated for the next one year. Then somebody told me that ' asking out ' is not the same as ' get out' and 'dating' is not 'meeting me in the staffroom' and ' Mrs. Kichupulianapillai' was not exactly what one would call 'good-looking'.
Tired of the humiliation, I decided I had had enough. Then I switched on the TV and saw what i was made for ....
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